And We Held On

Love, why did I cry over you?

When I’ve been through worse.
You cared and we had our time,

So it’s over, and we’re still here.
Love, please stop holding on,

I will keep breaking your heart.

I tried and we wasted time,

So it’s over, and we’re still here.
Why can’t I stop your pain?

Why do they crave control,

I’m not your secret anymore.

Why do I show my pain,

I’m losing control,

I can’t be your secret anymore.
Love, take hold of what’s yours,

Just don’t make me part of the plan.

We screwed up and broke down,

So it’s over, yet we’re still here.
Love, I need you to know,

You’re an important piece of my puzzle,

I’m sorry I’m not what they want.

So it’s over, love, and we held on. 

Couple days of rest.

Why may you ask?

I firmly believe that rest is majorly important, yes be motivated; yes get healthy again but if you need down time, have down time.

Read, talk to friends, write, play music, most of all relax. That’s what yesterday and today are for me. Down time. 

I’m not lonely, I’m not bored, I’m not even sad. I’m just needing time.

He made my lyrics into a song and that is my happiness of the day. 

You should all subscribe to his YouTube channel; 

Enjoy, I certainly did 🙂 he really makes me smile.

Getting My Act Together.


Getting up at noon after reading for an hour; “Reasons To Stay Alive- Matt Haig”  was pretty nice, I got ready & put some make up on, swished my hair to the side and put on my coat, scarf and gloves. Scotland is cold.

My music was blaring the new “Daughter” album and by 1 o’clock I’d finally left the flat, taking the electricity dongle with me.

This was the day to make things right, the day to start really “adulting.” 

I walked and walked, passing shops, puppies, humans and all sorts of beings. 

I sauntered past the train station which is usually as far as I get and bumped into a guy promoting Guide Dog sponsorship; I think his name was Steven. We chatted about the dogs and the blind. I really wish I could have helped but unfortunately I don’t really have a tenner a month to spare. I felt pretty bad but I assured him I’d look into it when I do have the money. He said he really loved my dimple piercings which made me smile and I then continued on my adventure to the bank. 

In my head I was thinking something along the lines of “how come there’s like 3 of every bank in this area but NONE of the one I actually need.” However it was a good thing because it allowed for more steps to be taken; more of the area to be explored. 

I eventually found the right bank.

I got some things and then headed to the Universal Credit Centre. 

My interview was at 2.45 and it was easy; laid back and my workers were fantastic, humorous and both quite like happy Santas. When that was tackled I felt a weight off my shoulder; stress disappearing by a considerable amount. 

I kept walking. 

Soon I neared my flat and wasn’t ready to go back just yet so I just kept going, and for the first time I ventured into Victoria Park, I’ve lived near there for 5 months and never really felt motivated to have a look. 

It was worth it.

I walked in and straight away felt calm and really happy. There was a pond, at first I thought it was dirty but as I edged closer I saw that it was frozen and there were twigs etched into the beautiful ice. 

I walked and walked around, taking in the freezing but clear air and just breathing. 

Hearing the sounds of dogs barking; swans and ducks and just the trees brustling was stunning and I felt at ease. 

Still walking.


At 4 o’clock it started to get dark so I finally went home.

Food was eaten and then I did a 14 minute workout. Just as I was finishing up He texted; “wanna come over?”

Oh how I wanted to. 

So back outside I went and the journey and adventure continued. 

My total steps and mileage were: 15,667 steps which was roughly 6 miles.

I went to see him, had a great evening; guitar, Music, Alice in Wonderland and then my other friend came back and we played exploding kittens.

I’m okay, I’m happy.


Just a small change and it may help, I’m trying to be me instead of the person people want me to be. But first I have to strip down to basics. By that I mean a few less piercings, re growing out my fringe and smiling a bit more.

I want to know who I am and see if I can leave my separation anxiety somewhere far away. Last few days have been hard and quite heartbreaking really but I’m okay.
I am okay. 


The Nice Things.

Okay so despite having a fairly rough week where I’ve been triggered multiple times; there was some wonderful moments. I shall ignore all the bits that made me anxious.

So I got my tattoo on Thursday, the one depicting Mapped By What Surrounded Them, it took two hours and looks amazing; here’s my design complete with two out of 5 signatures, and also the tattoo.

Isn’t it gorgeous?

That was great, then I headed back to my family town; I then met up with a few friends, one of them being the most gorgeous girls ever who makes me so darn happy and I really love her. 


The very next day I got to see my brother; that was immense. We talked and had a heart to heart. I had missed him so.

I’m positive I did nothing the day after that. I think I was moping. Sunday was a blur too. Monday however; I played guitar, read a bit and went out to see a girl I’d missed dearly. My one true soulmate.

The rest of the week sucked but yesterday I got to see him and it made me feel spectacular; we went to the cinema and he hugged me all night. I think I’m starting to feel alive again.


I am happy; yesterday was the first day in over a month that I went climbing. I achieved more than I could have thought possible; even though I’m not very good, I had fun and I did well. 

Being around these guys helps me more than they could possibly know. Sure they know I’m a little messed up but hey aren’t we all?

I’m sitting here on the bed, have read some of a book, applied for some jobs and sorta socialised with him a bit. This is major progress for me as on days off I usually laze about feeling sorry for myself. Not this time; not this year.

I’m happy.

Although my muscles ache, I feel I have done things right. I’m still a tad nervous and anxious about being around them and trying to just be myself without caring so much.

Today is a good start. 7 days no self harm.

I’m okay.

The 3rd Day.

Today has been strange. I’m tired and bored; yet I’ve been productive.

I applied for some jobs and moved some art supplies into a case. I also put some washing on.

How do I feel? Neither here nor there I suppose. Not sad.

He asked me to go climbing with him and his flatmate after work tomorrow. That makes me happy. Very happy. Those two guys are amazing friends and I hope they think I’m amazing too.

This is the year I become who I truly am, a good person, a happy bubbly person that loves everything, herself included. 

Maybe I’ll find someone; or maybe I’ll find myself.

I’ve eaten today so that’s good.

I haven’t harmed today so that’s great.

No hair pulling this year. None.

I’m okay.

I’m going to be an auntie next week to a lovely little girl, I can’t wait to meet her.


The Need For Affection

So it’s been a while.

For a while I’ve been incognito. It’s been rough.

There’s been loss of my apprenticeship due to stress. Loss of family members and a stressful outlook on life.

However… I’m getting better and things are getting back on track, I’ve made a couple of great friends & will be going back to college to do a HND in illustration come September.

I’ll be back in the tattoo studio once a week to learn as much as I can. A studio closer to home. Which is Glasgow now.

I’m still single and it’s difficult for me; I still love Graeme and we are great friends. There is still something there but there can be nothing of it.

My friend whom I spent Christmas with, the talented, lovely guy; well there’s something going on but again nothing will come of that. Why? Who knows.

I need the company, the closeness and the affection; they give that to me.

I’m becoming more aware of how depressed I can be and less aware of when I’m smiling. 

That is something I’m changing this year. I will focus on the little things that make me happy. For instance;

When they hold me close,

When they make me laugh,

When he sings to me or makes me watch something I’ve never seen before,

When he pulls me closer.

When they put in the effort to talk to me,

When they laugh at my clumsiness,

When he strokes my hair.

I’m okay.

A Little Bit of Happy

She dreams of eyes that are bright, oceanic and warm,

With not much in the world to keep her from falling,

Those eyes like the sea draw her in.

She dreams of strong arms holding her tight,

Safe and content,

With her world crashing down,

Those masculine arms draw her in.

She dreams of a smile, charming,

To capture her and melt her heart,

With sadness and fear throwing her down,

Those soft lips draw her in.

And she is okay.